I hate break-ups. I hate hurting people. It's one of my worst faults. I can't stand to see the pain in someones eyes when I tell them it's over, goodbye. I'm still friends with most of my exes, but break-ups take a toll. It hurts both parties, no matter what anyone thinks. I cry every time because I know I've made a mark on someones life. Whether it's painful or not, I still feel bad.
I've had my heart broken plenty of times, but some stand out profusely. I fell hard for a boy in eighth grade, and he was very sweet to me. But when I dated someone else he got angry with me, and we didn't talk until my tenth grade year. He was a year ahead of me. He asked me out again, and I, of course, said yes. We dated for a week until I learned he was just using me. We don't talk anymore.
My junior year started off with heart-break as well. I dated a new guy for about a month. He was sweet, but wouldn't talk about his past. I later learned that he was on probation for assault, and had been in trouble for numerous fights. He was violent, towards others and himself. He was a cutter, and suicidal. He also took drugs, and got high on painkillers frequently. I had to call the cops on him once, and my friends mom called them for me twice. The first time was because he was threatening suicide. The second time because he was threatening me, the boy I liked, and his own life. The third was because he threatened me again. The third was the last time I ever spoke to him. Before that night he had asked me to get drunk and sleep with him, I refused. That night, he sent me a picture of something written on a wall in blood. Supposedly in dragon-speak. He was high, very high, and had cut himself pretty badly from what I could tell. I told him I never wanted to talk to him again, and he said I would never get rid of him. I told him to watch me. He replied with "Have a nice suicide, hun." He really made me angry. He had left me for his ex about a month before, then found out she was using him and she dumped him again. He went crazy, and started on drugs again. He was sleeping with several other girls as well. I haven't heard from him since, but I hope that wherever he is, he's getting help.
I never wish harm on anyone, or I don't try to. I'm human, I get angry, but I always regret it later. I apologize if I can. Although some things just make me so angry that I don't want to forgive them, but I try not to hold a grudge. Even if they don't know it, I don't stay mad. I live by the policy of forgive and forget, if I can. I try my best, but like I said, I'm human.
Break-ups are probably my least favorite thing ever. They hurt, no matter who you are. You try not to care, you try to wall it off, but you can't. It's no use. You feel the pain anyway, and you can't help but hurt. I couldn't care less about myself, but I hate the fact that I hurt someone else.
Consider yourself schooled in the way that is me.
Signing off,
Xx~WesternWriter~xX
An instruction manual for my person! Interesting, you may say. Crazy, you may say. Well, I'm certainly that. A quirky little adventure to explore and attempt to explain myself, based on the inspiration from my best friend! Thanks, crazy girl! Now you exposed the whole world to, well, me!
Sunday, June 24, 2012
Thursday, March 15, 2012
Friends are the People That Know Your Flaws but Like you Anyways
My friends are my saviors. I have had very few friend survive thus far, and most of them I met my freshman year. Sky is in her second year of college, and she graduated my freshman year, the same year we met. My friend T.C graduated with her, and I met him through her. Those two are my angels. They have been there for me through thick and thin and have saved me more times than they know. I love them both to death. They're like my older siblings.
My ex boyfriend, Adam, also graduated with them, and he and I still talk from time to time. Most of my relationships end with friendship. My friend Svennewitz and I are pretty close. He's more like my older brother now.
My friend Mady and I have been friends since 8th grade. She's a year younger than me, but she's like my sister. She knows practically everything about me, and I go to her for advice a lot of the time. She and I have had our fair share of fights, though. But the best friends are the ones that you can swear at till your face is blue and they'll still forgive you. I have a few good friends like that. Even though I tend to try not to take my anger out on them, even when they tell me I can. I don't like to let off steam on my friends.
My current boyfriend has been my friend for over two years now, but we have had more than our fair share of fights. He's very jealous, and he's liked me since he met me, or so he claims. Every time I dated someone else we would fight. But we always made up, so I think he has potential.
I look for friends that are honest, loyal, caring, kind, smart and sweet. I have alot more friends that are guys than girls, and alot of them have liked me at one point or another. I've dated a couple of them but some of them just don't appeal to me. It's not them personally but it's my preferences and the way I was raised.
I also look for things in common. Music is my main one. But I also look for common hobbies/intrests. It's an interesting experience. I also look for people who are different from myself, because then I can learn from them and maybe find something I like.
I have lost many friends over the years, but it doesn't bother me much. Most of them either were never really my friends or we just grew apart. Some of them have hurt me, but I think that just makes me that much stronger.
My friends mean alot to me, and while I didn't mention everyone, they are like my family. I practically consider them my siblings. I love them to death, and while they may be at college or preoccupied with their own lives, I miss them and I will always be here for them. I will always listen to my friends, and try to help them in any way I can. They are appreciated, whether they know it or not.
Consider yourself schooled in the way that is me.
Signing off,
My ex boyfriend, Adam, also graduated with them, and he and I still talk from time to time. Most of my relationships end with friendship. My friend Svennewitz and I are pretty close. He's more like my older brother now.
My friend Mady and I have been friends since 8th grade. She's a year younger than me, but she's like my sister. She knows practically everything about me, and I go to her for advice a lot of the time. She and I have had our fair share of fights, though. But the best friends are the ones that you can swear at till your face is blue and they'll still forgive you. I have a few good friends like that. Even though I tend to try not to take my anger out on them, even when they tell me I can. I don't like to let off steam on my friends.
My current boyfriend has been my friend for over two years now, but we have had more than our fair share of fights. He's very jealous, and he's liked me since he met me, or so he claims. Every time I dated someone else we would fight. But we always made up, so I think he has potential.
I look for friends that are honest, loyal, caring, kind, smart and sweet. I have alot more friends that are guys than girls, and alot of them have liked me at one point or another. I've dated a couple of them but some of them just don't appeal to me. It's not them personally but it's my preferences and the way I was raised.
I also look for things in common. Music is my main one. But I also look for common hobbies/intrests. It's an interesting experience. I also look for people who are different from myself, because then I can learn from them and maybe find something I like.
I have lost many friends over the years, but it doesn't bother me much. Most of them either were never really my friends or we just grew apart. Some of them have hurt me, but I think that just makes me that much stronger.
My friends mean alot to me, and while I didn't mention everyone, they are like my family. I practically consider them my siblings. I love them to death, and while they may be at college or preoccupied with their own lives, I miss them and I will always be here for them. I will always listen to my friends, and try to help them in any way I can. They are appreciated, whether they know it or not.
Consider yourself schooled in the way that is me.
Signing off,
Xx~WesternWriter~xX
Friday, March 2, 2012
My Best Subject
School isn't my favorite thing in the world, but then again, what sixteen year old girl wants to be couped up in a smallish room with at least three people that hate her? I've always had problems with school because I'm different. I don't conform to their standards. I don't dress like they do, I don't act like they do, and I certainly DO NOT play by their rules. And they hate me for it. In seventh grade, when I first came to this school, I was told by someone, in her exact words I quote, "We were all a big happy family until you showed up." I just laughed at her. I've seen the way this school works, and I've been here long enough to know that there is no way in hell that that statement was true. No, this school had it's problems. I was the least of them.
In eigth grade I had trouble with people teasing me for my love of horses. They made posters that consisted of drawings of hamburgers that said "Free horse meat." I was followed down the hall with shouts of "I'm going to shoot your horse and kill your cat." That was a favorite, too. My mom came in and spoke with the principle after a teacher asked me if I would skin a horse and live in if I was freezing in the wild. My answer was to walk out of class. I screamed the F word at a kid that called my horse stupid, in the middle of class. I ended up apologizing to the teacher in the room we were walking by. I had one kid go as far as to email me pictures of dead horses. I don't use that email anymore. Another kid, the one that started it, would pull up pictures of dead cats and horses, strung up by their necks and/or nailed to trees or posts. He even described in great detail how he would kill my cat. I never admitted where I lived after that.
Other than the taunts of killing my animals, I was called names as well. I've been called a whore, a slut, and everything else in the book. Even though I was none of those things, they still thought it was funny to spread rumors. A popular one was that I was cheating on my first boyfriend, Adam. They said I was kissing a good friend of mine, Dylan, in the hall. I hugged all my guy friends, everyone knew that. But they took it to the next level. At that time I was in tenth grade, and on the cheer squad. They had the nerve to ask me to stop hanging out with Dylan. They had the nerve to tell me that I couldn't hang out with one of my best friends anymore. I hated them for it. I never had many friends on the cheer squad, and was kicked off the following year. They told me that "We, as cheerleaders, already have a bad reputation for being sluts, and we would appreciate it if you didn't do anything to confirm this." Meanwhile the coaches' sister is grinding on the other girls and doing inappropriate dance moves fit for a whore. To say this made me angry was an understatement. Also, the coaches deemed me unfit for the state competition, when I was better than a girl that went. That same girl became "Junior captain" the next year, when she's a full year younger than me and seniority is supposed to rule. The coach always hated me, and I have no doubt she still does. I loved the sport, hated the team.
My best subject in school has always been English. I have a talent for writing, not just poetry but stories, too. I love to write. In an English essay at the beginning of my junior year, I decscirbed my passion for writing in a personal narrative titled "The Fire Within" about "An experience with fire." I used the fire of loving something, the passion, as my hypothetical, "Fire." Like my drive to do it. I explained how my writing was brought out by my cutting. My narrative was voted one of the best. A lot of my classmates didn't know that about me. I'm pretty open about it now.
My worst subjects pretty much included everything else. I am not very athletic, and therefor I struggled in Gym. I'm not very good with numbers, so I have a hard time with math. Science doesn't appeal to me, and I find it boring. History is fine as long as it's U.S history. I never cared much about the rest of the world.
When I go to college I'm hoping to get a degree in elementary education. I have loved working with kids since I was one myself. When I was small I taught my little brother when we played school. I taught myself to read at the age of three. I love to baby sit and I'm now working with special ed kids over at the elementary. I struggled with elementary school and I watched my little brother struggle as well. I want to give the future kids of America a good start so that they learn to love school. I always believed a good start would affect them for the rest of their lives. I want to be able to make that difference.
Well, that's my school life.
Consider yourself schooled in the way that is me.
Signing off,
In eigth grade I had trouble with people teasing me for my love of horses. They made posters that consisted of drawings of hamburgers that said "Free horse meat." I was followed down the hall with shouts of "I'm going to shoot your horse and kill your cat." That was a favorite, too. My mom came in and spoke with the principle after a teacher asked me if I would skin a horse and live in if I was freezing in the wild. My answer was to walk out of class. I screamed the F word at a kid that called my horse stupid, in the middle of class. I ended up apologizing to the teacher in the room we were walking by. I had one kid go as far as to email me pictures of dead horses. I don't use that email anymore. Another kid, the one that started it, would pull up pictures of dead cats and horses, strung up by their necks and/or nailed to trees or posts. He even described in great detail how he would kill my cat. I never admitted where I lived after that.
Other than the taunts of killing my animals, I was called names as well. I've been called a whore, a slut, and everything else in the book. Even though I was none of those things, they still thought it was funny to spread rumors. A popular one was that I was cheating on my first boyfriend, Adam. They said I was kissing a good friend of mine, Dylan, in the hall. I hugged all my guy friends, everyone knew that. But they took it to the next level. At that time I was in tenth grade, and on the cheer squad. They had the nerve to ask me to stop hanging out with Dylan. They had the nerve to tell me that I couldn't hang out with one of my best friends anymore. I hated them for it. I never had many friends on the cheer squad, and was kicked off the following year. They told me that "We, as cheerleaders, already have a bad reputation for being sluts, and we would appreciate it if you didn't do anything to confirm this." Meanwhile the coaches' sister is grinding on the other girls and doing inappropriate dance moves fit for a whore. To say this made me angry was an understatement. Also, the coaches deemed me unfit for the state competition, when I was better than a girl that went. That same girl became "Junior captain" the next year, when she's a full year younger than me and seniority is supposed to rule. The coach always hated me, and I have no doubt she still does. I loved the sport, hated the team.
My best subject in school has always been English. I have a talent for writing, not just poetry but stories, too. I love to write. In an English essay at the beginning of my junior year, I decscirbed my passion for writing in a personal narrative titled "The Fire Within" about "An experience with fire." I used the fire of loving something, the passion, as my hypothetical, "Fire." Like my drive to do it. I explained how my writing was brought out by my cutting. My narrative was voted one of the best. A lot of my classmates didn't know that about me. I'm pretty open about it now.
My worst subjects pretty much included everything else. I am not very athletic, and therefor I struggled in Gym. I'm not very good with numbers, so I have a hard time with math. Science doesn't appeal to me, and I find it boring. History is fine as long as it's U.S history. I never cared much about the rest of the world.
When I go to college I'm hoping to get a degree in elementary education. I have loved working with kids since I was one myself. When I was small I taught my little brother when we played school. I taught myself to read at the age of three. I love to baby sit and I'm now working with special ed kids over at the elementary. I struggled with elementary school and I watched my little brother struggle as well. I want to give the future kids of America a good start so that they learn to love school. I always believed a good start would affect them for the rest of their lives. I want to be able to make that difference.
Well, that's my school life.
Consider yourself schooled in the way that is me.
Signing off,
Xx~WesternWriter~xX
Saturday, January 28, 2012
Why I Am the Way I Am
Everyone is staring, but why? Am I so different from everyone else? What makes me special or wierd or so strange that they stare?
It makes no sense, this world of mine. It tortures me till the end of time. It pulls me under, farther and further. Taking me where I have no wish to wander. The pain is easy, that I can bear. But this fucking life, well, it's not fair.
I'm torn between two worlds, you see. This monster here, this isn't me. I'm trying to make things right, but I'm hiding out of fright. I don't want to hurt anyone, but this feeling, well, it's done.
"I watched it all up close, I knew her more than most, I saw a side of her she never showed. Full of sympathy for a world that wouldn't let her be.
That's the girl she was, have you heard enough?
What a shame, what a shame, to judge a life that you can't change. The choir sings, the church bells ring, so, won't you give this girl her wings? What a shame to have to beg you to see, we're not all the same.
What a shame.
That's the girl she was,
Have you heard enough?"
That song is pretty much exactly how I feel and what I'm thinking about. I feel like everyone judges before they really know the person and it bugs me. People are ridiculed for no apparent reason other than how they look, not who they are. I feel like no one cares because they only see what's on the outside. Scars, pained eyes, and they're afraid. They're afraid to get mixed up in it and they're afraid of the person, so they judge. They insult and they hate and for what reason? Just because the person looks different. Just because the person is foreign to them. Just because the person isn't like them.
It makes me so god damn angry. People hurt and cut and feel the way they do because other people couldn't take the fucking time to see who they really are. No one understood or cared to try to understand so now there's no one in this cruel world that they can really talk to and that will understand them. And when that's gone people get lonely and they get hurt and they feel worthless and then they hurt themselves and then they're ridiculed and judged and then they commit suicide. And why? Because no one took the fucking time to take a second look. No one took the time to care or understand. They just pointed and laughed, and no one cared.
It makes no sense, this world of mine. It tortures me till the end of time. It pulls me under, farther and further. Taking me where I have no wish to wander. The pain is easy, that I can bear. But this fucking life, well, it's not fair.
I'm torn between two worlds, you see. This monster here, this isn't me. I'm trying to make things right, but I'm hiding out of fright. I don't want to hurt anyone, but this feeling, well, it's done.
"I watched it all up close, I knew her more than most, I saw a side of her she never showed. Full of sympathy for a world that wouldn't let her be.
That's the girl she was, have you heard enough?
What a shame, what a shame, to judge a life that you can't change. The choir sings, the church bells ring, so, won't you give this girl her wings? What a shame to have to beg you to see, we're not all the same.
What a shame.
That's the girl she was,
Have you heard enough?"
That song is pretty much exactly how I feel and what I'm thinking about. I feel like everyone judges before they really know the person and it bugs me. People are ridiculed for no apparent reason other than how they look, not who they are. I feel like no one cares because they only see what's on the outside. Scars, pained eyes, and they're afraid. They're afraid to get mixed up in it and they're afraid of the person, so they judge. They insult and they hate and for what reason? Just because the person looks different. Just because the person is foreign to them. Just because the person isn't like them.
It makes me so god damn angry. People hurt and cut and feel the way they do because other people couldn't take the fucking time to see who they really are. No one understood or cared to try to understand so now there's no one in this cruel world that they can really talk to and that will understand them. And when that's gone people get lonely and they get hurt and they feel worthless and then they hurt themselves and then they're ridiculed and judged and then they commit suicide. And why? Because no one took the fucking time to take a second look. No one took the time to care or understand. They just pointed and laughed, and no one cared.
No one understands and no one takes the time to. They're just like everyone else. They see the scars and they freak out. They don't take the time to understand why I did it in the first place. You don't have to cut to understand, and you don't have to feel the pain. You just have to open your mind to a different way of thinking.
I feel so far away and yet I'm sitting right here. My mind is nowhere near, but my heart is caged. I'm so lonely here, I want to be free.
I feel so trapped in my body, when my mind is so far away.
Maybe that's why I'm falling apart....
I'm alone. It's dark. I'm afraid, I don't know why. Maybe it's because my one fear, my greatest fear, is being alone....
I wake up curled up in a ball, in a cold sweat and crying. I'm so afraid of not remembering, so afraid of not knowing. So afraid of being alone.
I am losing you again.
It simply makes no sense. Nothing is making sense right now. I'm dizzy, in pain. I don't understand or comprehend.
I am losing you again.
I'm falling through space, just empty space. Like the holes inside me, except it's not dark. I'm standing on a cliff made of red rock, you're speaking my name. Yelling over the wind. You're trying to get my attention, but I don't seem to hear you, or I don't care. My goal is clear. I don't know why it's clear, but it is. I'm crying, you can see it. You try to move closer, but I move closer to the edge. Away from you. You're crying, too. Begging me to stay, but I'm not listening. I'm listening to the voice in my head, telling me to jump. I follow it's instructions, and I hear you screaming.....
There are two versions to this dream....
One:: You look over the edge, just as I hit the ground. My body laying there, still and lifeless. Blood all around me. You come down to where my lifeless form is, cradling me in your arms. Crying, asking why...
Two: I'm falling. The wind blowing through my hair. I'm finally free. Finally gone. This is my end, and I went out in style. I'm enjoying the fall, when suddenly I'm floating. My body jerks up with the sudden force, and I'm flying. Circling higher and higher till I can no longer see your small form on the cliff, staring in amazement. I look behind me to see black wings, shining with purple streaks in the sun. I can't help but wonder why. Why was I saved, what is the purpose? What is my purpose?
Everything goes black...
What now? I wish I had a razor blade... I do have scissors....
The snow beneathe me is red now, my arms dripping down. Some freezing to my arm, my hands are so cold...
I don't remember anything more.
Vertical- meaning up and down.
My arms+my razorblade=Blood+dizziness+angry friends
My arms+my blade+vertical=Death+sadness
Except I'm too afraid. I can't cut that deep. It would never work. I don't want to die really,
Or do I?
I don't know anymore. I want to hurt, To bleed, To be punished. It's what I deserve.
I'm nothing. Worthless.
My body isn't good enough, my heart, my mind, my soul, shattered beyond repair.
Who wants a broken toy? Much less a broken girl.
My time is up. I don't know why I'm still here. I serve no purpose.
No one wants me.
I'm just useless.
I want to cut again so bad right now.... God damnit.
I'm so tired of this addiction and this life. I'm sick and tired of living period. I just want to die....
I'm thinking of all the times I cut, the times I was scared because I had cut, the times I don't remember starting or why I started. The times I don't remember. How many times did I cut that I don't remember? Every scar has a story, but what about the ones that don't? Or the ones that I don't remember the story of. It makes no sense, the thoughts are somewhere in my mind, I just can't fathom them. I have no idea. Why can't I access them?? Why did I stick them away in a corner of my mind that I don't remember?
Today I'm missing you. More than you'll ever know. But you won't see me cry, or the fresh cuts from this morning. Because I was thinking of you. And how much I miss you. And how much I want to be in your arms again. I want you to hold me again, so that I know I'm safe. I just want to feel safe for once.
I never feel safe anymore.
It scares me, this feeling. I'm afraid of the fear, of the pain. I'm afraid of what I'll do. Or what I won't do. I want to text you so badly, but I don't know what to say. It simply doesn't connect. I wish I could tell you what's on my mind. But I can't. I miss you, I love you, I never should have said goodbye.....
I never should have said goodbye...
I feel so aweful about that day. I miss your soft blue eyes, straring straight into mine. The feeling I saw in those eyes, and knew it was true. I wish I wasn't so afraid of being hurt again....
I wish I wasn't so afraid of being hurt again....
I wish I could call you up and tell you everything. I wish I could even text you. But I'm afraid of any communication. I'm thinking of you right now. The softness of your skin against mine, the softness of your touch. I miss your touch. And the way you made me feel. I wish I could tell you how I feel....
I wish I could tell you....
That I love you.
I feel so empty, sad and alone. I just don't understand.
Why do I feel this way? Why don't I sleep? Why am I always tired? Why has my appetite deminished? Why do I cut? Why do I feel I need to be punished? Why do I not belong anywhere? Why don't I fit in? Why do I lock myself in my room? Why do I like being alone? Why do I have such a temper? Why do I miss him so much? Why do I get so angry? Why can't I sit still? Why do I paint on happiness?
Why do I smile, when I want to cry?
Why do I want to die?
I hate those names they call me, and that bounce around in my head. My demons just repeat them, till I turn my arms and sides red. Red with my own sticky, hot blood. Running from the cut like sweet syrup. Dripping down... soaking through the cloths.
Don't they see the scars? Or maybe the fresh cuts from last night? Why do they still mess with me? When they see what they did to me?
So people keep asking me, "Why do you cut???" It starts to get on my nerves. Then when I tell them they're all like "Oh, I'm so sorry." I don't want a sorry or for you to feel bad. I want you to understand, to see it through my eyes. I want to be able to come to you and tell you everything and have you say something useful. I don't want you're sympathy. I long for understanding and comprehension, someone who can see it my way and not care that I'm different.
I cut because it's my release. I cut because I long for the pain and the blood. I cut because I like the feeling it gives me, the rush I get. It can't really be described, it has to be felt. It makes me feel alive, the rush of blood, the sting of the pain. It's amazing. I love it. I feel all the bad things go away, and I just focus on the pain. It helps me forget. It's like all the bad things that happen are pouring out of my body with the blood.
Cutting is an addiction. Many people don't realize that. It's very hard to let go of, especially when the affecting factors are still there. People need to see and understand that cutters just need someone to talk to. Be that person, and you may save a life.
This post is kind of old. I've had it around for awhile. I no longer cut, but this explains why I did. In a way, it's my life play by play. I hope it helps you understand.
Consider yourself schooled in the way that is me.
Signing off,
Xx~WesternWriter~xX
I feel so far away and yet I'm sitting right here. My mind is nowhere near, but my heart is caged. I'm so lonely here, I want to be free.
I feel so trapped in my body, when my mind is so far away.
Maybe that's why I'm falling apart....
I'm alone. It's dark. I'm afraid, I don't know why. Maybe it's because my one fear, my greatest fear, is being alone....
I wake up curled up in a ball, in a cold sweat and crying. I'm so afraid of not remembering, so afraid of not knowing. So afraid of being alone.
I am losing you again.
It simply makes no sense. Nothing is making sense right now. I'm dizzy, in pain. I don't understand or comprehend.
I am losing you again.
I'm falling through space, just empty space. Like the holes inside me, except it's not dark. I'm standing on a cliff made of red rock, you're speaking my name. Yelling over the wind. You're trying to get my attention, but I don't seem to hear you, or I don't care. My goal is clear. I don't know why it's clear, but it is. I'm crying, you can see it. You try to move closer, but I move closer to the edge. Away from you. You're crying, too. Begging me to stay, but I'm not listening. I'm listening to the voice in my head, telling me to jump. I follow it's instructions, and I hear you screaming.....
There are two versions to this dream....
One:: You look over the edge, just as I hit the ground. My body laying there, still and lifeless. Blood all around me. You come down to where my lifeless form is, cradling me in your arms. Crying, asking why...
Two: I'm falling. The wind blowing through my hair. I'm finally free. Finally gone. This is my end, and I went out in style. I'm enjoying the fall, when suddenly I'm floating. My body jerks up with the sudden force, and I'm flying. Circling higher and higher till I can no longer see your small form on the cliff, staring in amazement. I look behind me to see black wings, shining with purple streaks in the sun. I can't help but wonder why. Why was I saved, what is the purpose? What is my purpose?
Everything goes black...
What now? I wish I had a razor blade... I do have scissors....
The snow beneathe me is red now, my arms dripping down. Some freezing to my arm, my hands are so cold...
I don't remember anything more.
Vertical- meaning up and down.
My arms+my razorblade=Blood+dizziness+angry friends
My arms+my blade+vertical=Death+sadness
Except I'm too afraid. I can't cut that deep. It would never work. I don't want to die really,
Or do I?
I don't know anymore. I want to hurt, To bleed, To be punished. It's what I deserve.
I'm nothing. Worthless.
My body isn't good enough, my heart, my mind, my soul, shattered beyond repair.
Who wants a broken toy? Much less a broken girl.
My time is up. I don't know why I'm still here. I serve no purpose.
No one wants me.
I'm just useless.
I want to cut again so bad right now.... God damnit.
I'm so tired of this addiction and this life. I'm sick and tired of living period. I just want to die....
I'm thinking of all the times I cut, the times I was scared because I had cut, the times I don't remember starting or why I started. The times I don't remember. How many times did I cut that I don't remember? Every scar has a story, but what about the ones that don't? Or the ones that I don't remember the story of. It makes no sense, the thoughts are somewhere in my mind, I just can't fathom them. I have no idea. Why can't I access them?? Why did I stick them away in a corner of my mind that I don't remember?
Today I'm missing you. More than you'll ever know. But you won't see me cry, or the fresh cuts from this morning. Because I was thinking of you. And how much I miss you. And how much I want to be in your arms again. I want you to hold me again, so that I know I'm safe. I just want to feel safe for once.
I never feel safe anymore.
It scares me, this feeling. I'm afraid of the fear, of the pain. I'm afraid of what I'll do. Or what I won't do. I want to text you so badly, but I don't know what to say. It simply doesn't connect. I wish I could tell you what's on my mind. But I can't. I miss you, I love you, I never should have said goodbye.....
I never should have said goodbye...
I feel so aweful about that day. I miss your soft blue eyes, straring straight into mine. The feeling I saw in those eyes, and knew it was true. I wish I wasn't so afraid of being hurt again....
I wish I wasn't so afraid of being hurt again....
I wish I could call you up and tell you everything. I wish I could even text you. But I'm afraid of any communication. I'm thinking of you right now. The softness of your skin against mine, the softness of your touch. I miss your touch. And the way you made me feel. I wish I could tell you how I feel....
I wish I could tell you....
That I love you.
I feel so empty, sad and alone. I just don't understand.
Why do I feel this way? Why don't I sleep? Why am I always tired? Why has my appetite deminished? Why do I cut? Why do I feel I need to be punished? Why do I not belong anywhere? Why don't I fit in? Why do I lock myself in my room? Why do I like being alone? Why do I have such a temper? Why do I miss him so much? Why do I get so angry? Why can't I sit still? Why do I paint on happiness?
Why do I smile, when I want to cry?
Why do I want to die?
I hate those names they call me, and that bounce around in my head. My demons just repeat them, till I turn my arms and sides red. Red with my own sticky, hot blood. Running from the cut like sweet syrup. Dripping down... soaking through the cloths.
Don't they see the scars? Or maybe the fresh cuts from last night? Why do they still mess with me? When they see what they did to me?
So people keep asking me, "Why do you cut???" It starts to get on my nerves. Then when I tell them they're all like "Oh, I'm so sorry." I don't want a sorry or for you to feel bad. I want you to understand, to see it through my eyes. I want to be able to come to you and tell you everything and have you say something useful. I don't want you're sympathy. I long for understanding and comprehension, someone who can see it my way and not care that I'm different.
I cut because it's my release. I cut because I long for the pain and the blood. I cut because I like the feeling it gives me, the rush I get. It can't really be described, it has to be felt. It makes me feel alive, the rush of blood, the sting of the pain. It's amazing. I love it. I feel all the bad things go away, and I just focus on the pain. It helps me forget. It's like all the bad things that happen are pouring out of my body with the blood.
Cutting is an addiction. Many people don't realize that. It's very hard to let go of, especially when the affecting factors are still there. People need to see and understand that cutters just need someone to talk to. Be that person, and you may save a life.
This post is kind of old. I've had it around for awhile. I no longer cut, but this explains why I did. In a way, it's my life play by play. I hope it helps you understand.
Consider yourself schooled in the way that is me.
Signing off,
Xx~WesternWriter~xX
Friday, January 27, 2012
Shadows in a Poet's Mind
Poetry is one of my life hobbies. It's my escape, my out of the box. It's the way I express myself when I can't find words to speak. It's how I tell someone I love them, or that I hate them. It's my moods, my feelings, my love and my hate. It's my passion. No matter what I'm feeling, it's reflected in my poems.
Alot of the time my poetry is rather dark, but I've written a love poem or two. Everyday life inspires me, what I feel, what I see. But one of my big muse's is music. Music helps me figure out the words I want and a lot of the time I incorporate lyrics into my poetry. I bleed my heart onto the page and pour out my soul into my poetry. I give it all my feeling. I make sure the reader can feel how I do. They can see what I see, hear what I hear. I'm very descriptive in my poetry.
My poetry kind of started when my cutting did. My poems reflected the hurt and the pain I felt inside. They were my way of expressing it, getting rid of it. My escape. I left it all on the page, and it helped me heal. Poetry helped me think outside the box and cope with the pain. It was my creative expression, and I finally felt like I could do something and not be judged for it.
Recently I wrote a poem and entered it into the World Poetry Movement's contest, and much to my surprise, it landed me in the finalists. Everyone tells me I'm a great poet, but I refuse to believe them. I'll post a short poem here for you to decide.
Alot of the time my poetry is rather dark, but I've written a love poem or two. Everyday life inspires me, what I feel, what I see. But one of my big muse's is music. Music helps me figure out the words I want and a lot of the time I incorporate lyrics into my poetry. I bleed my heart onto the page and pour out my soul into my poetry. I give it all my feeling. I make sure the reader can feel how I do. They can see what I see, hear what I hear. I'm very descriptive in my poetry.
My poetry kind of started when my cutting did. My poems reflected the hurt and the pain I felt inside. They were my way of expressing it, getting rid of it. My escape. I left it all on the page, and it helped me heal. Poetry helped me think outside the box and cope with the pain. It was my creative expression, and I finally felt like I could do something and not be judged for it.
Recently I wrote a poem and entered it into the World Poetry Movement's contest, and much to my surprise, it landed me in the finalists. Everyone tells me I'm a great poet, but I refuse to believe them. I'll post a short poem here for you to decide.
Staring into your soft eyes
I never want to say goodbye
The deep brown enchantment
Has made my mind become absent
All senses on high alert
Wrapped in your comfort
The soft feel of your touch
Knowing you expect much
The feel of your soul-searching eyes
Knowing you will never lie
The feel of your breath upon mine
Makes it seem that we have stopped time
Your love is easy and true
And that is why I love you
Among the roses in the garden
I know we cannot be broken
~Me
Consider yourself schooled in the way that is me.
Singing off,
Xx~WesternWriter~xX
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
My Personality
These are some old posts throw together, but they show you a lot about me. My past, and the way I still am. I'll let you figure out which is which.
I am exactly the opposite of the 5 natural theories of personality. I am the opposite of what is considered "normal" in human society today. I feel like such an outcast.
For those of you who know me, I am reserved, cautious, untrusting and shy. For those who don't, I seem outgoing, friendly and kind. I put my friends before myself, always and forever. Maybe that's why I am the way I am. I keep most of my emotions to myself, and hide behind a mask. Those who are part of my "adopted family" as I call them understand me, and they see through my mask. It's sometimes helpful, sometimes not. But they know what to look for. Those who don't know me well enough just see another smiling face. An unpained soul who is completely whole and knows where they're going. I am the opposite. I am not whole in the least, I am pained by memories too haunting to recall consciously. I am shy, an introvert, someone that keeps to themselves as much as possible. But no one really sees that. No one sees the side of me that curls up in a corner in the dark and cries because someone yelled or said something I didn't like. I don't let anyone see that side. I have fallen apart in front of one person, and one person alone. She understands me. I let her see my bad side. Everyone else sees the strong side, the side that can handle the pain. But in reality, I am just a fragile soul, living in a shell that is not me. It doesn't fit me. The tanned skin, the brown hair and eyes. I should be pale, with black hair and haunting dark blue eyes. I should be covered in red scars, fresh and bleeding. That's how I feel on the inside. But no one sees that. They see the skin, the shell, the shield I hide behind. No one really understands the real me. Everyone tries to protect me, but not from the right things. I can handle the outside world, but who, I ask you, who is going to protect me from myself? Who will save me from this monster, slowly clawing its way out? Is there anyone, anyone at all, anyone out there that can actually help me?
I feel as though I am a failure to my friends. I feel like I'm not strong enough to save myself, even though I should be. Yet again I fail. I fail to protect them, I fail to care for them, and I fail to see the signs. They don't talk to me for fear of hurting me, but their silence is the worst thing they could ever do to me. My cousin left without a word, I don't want that again. I can't deal with that again. Just say something, make me understand...
This quiz is crazy accurate. http://www.colorquiz.com/This perfectly describes me. It's really amazing how accurate colors can be.
Color Test - Results (Then)
Your Existing Situation
"Needs protection for anxiety and conflict, with a personal relationship that is close and understanding and nurturing."
I am exactly the opposite of the 5 natural theories of personality. I am the opposite of what is considered "normal" in human society today. I feel like such an outcast.
For those of you who know me, I am reserved, cautious, untrusting and shy. For those who don't, I seem outgoing, friendly and kind. I put my friends before myself, always and forever. Maybe that's why I am the way I am. I keep most of my emotions to myself, and hide behind a mask. Those who are part of my "adopted family" as I call them understand me, and they see through my mask. It's sometimes helpful, sometimes not. But they know what to look for. Those who don't know me well enough just see another smiling face. An unpained soul who is completely whole and knows where they're going. I am the opposite. I am not whole in the least, I am pained by memories too haunting to recall consciously. I am shy, an introvert, someone that keeps to themselves as much as possible. But no one really sees that. No one sees the side of me that curls up in a corner in the dark and cries because someone yelled or said something I didn't like. I don't let anyone see that side. I have fallen apart in front of one person, and one person alone. She understands me. I let her see my bad side. Everyone else sees the strong side, the side that can handle the pain. But in reality, I am just a fragile soul, living in a shell that is not me. It doesn't fit me. The tanned skin, the brown hair and eyes. I should be pale, with black hair and haunting dark blue eyes. I should be covered in red scars, fresh and bleeding. That's how I feel on the inside. But no one sees that. They see the skin, the shell, the shield I hide behind. No one really understands the real me. Everyone tries to protect me, but not from the right things. I can handle the outside world, but who, I ask you, who is going to protect me from myself? Who will save me from this monster, slowly clawing its way out? Is there anyone, anyone at all, anyone out there that can actually help me?
I feel as though I am a failure to my friends. I feel like I'm not strong enough to save myself, even though I should be. Yet again I fail. I fail to protect them, I fail to care for them, and I fail to see the signs. They don't talk to me for fear of hurting me, but their silence is the worst thing they could ever do to me. My cousin left without a word, I don't want that again. I can't deal with that again. Just say something, make me understand...
This quiz is crazy accurate. http://www.colorquiz.com/This perfectly describes me. It's really amazing how accurate colors can be.
Color Test - Results (Then)
Your Existing Situation
"Needs protection for anxiety and conflict, with a personal relationship that is close and understanding and nurturing."
Your Stress Sources
Looking to stand out in the crowd and wanting to keep her rank and status. Her current situation is irritating her because she can't seem to find anybody out there who values the same high standards she does. She is feeling isolated and wants to give in to her carnal urges, but can't bring herself to appear weak in the eyes of others. Wants others to see her unique qualities and character but can't stand to come off as needy, so instead she has an ""I don't care"" attitude and pushing people away. She turns her back on those who criticizes her behavior, but beneath her indifference is a person who is in desperate need of approval.
Looking to stand out in the crowd and wanting to keep her rank and status. Her current situation is irritating her because she can't seem to find anybody out there who values the same high standards she does. She is feeling isolated and wants to give in to her carnal urges, but can't bring herself to appear weak in the eyes of others. Wants others to see her unique qualities and character but can't stand to come off as needy, so instead she has an ""I don't care"" attitude and pushing people away. She turns her back on those who criticizes her behavior, but beneath her indifference is a person who is in desperate need of approval.
Your Restrained Characteristics
Struggles to make her demands clear, but feels ignored. Feels resentful, but acts as if she doesn't care, doing what is necessary to keep peace.
Applies tough standards to her potential partner and demands an unrealistic perfection in her sex life.
Your Desired Objective
She feels life in general is handing her to many difficult and unpleasant things, but no one else seems to agree with her. She is resistant to joining in with others and wants to be left alone.
Struggles to make her demands clear, but feels ignored. Feels resentful, but acts as if she doesn't care, doing what is necessary to keep peace.
Applies tough standards to her potential partner and demands an unrealistic perfection in her sex life.
Your Desired Objective
She feels life in general is handing her to many difficult and unpleasant things, but no one else seems to agree with her. She is resistant to joining in with others and wants to be left alone.
Your Actual Problem
Is disappointed and let down, feels there is no point in making new goals as they will leave her feeling the same way. Is unable to admit to her short comings, which leads her to act out in an aggressive and resentful way.
Is disappointed and let down, feels there is no point in making new goals as they will leave her feeling the same way. Is unable to admit to her short comings, which leads her to act out in an aggressive and resentful way.
Your Actual Problem #2
Struggles with her need for respect and admiration from others; feels she needs to make a name for herself and stand out from the crowd. She acts out by insisting she be the center of attention, and refuses to step back, stand down, or take on a minor, insignificant role.
Color Test - Results (Now)
Struggles with her need for respect and admiration from others; feels she needs to make a name for herself and stand out from the crowd. She acts out by insisting she be the center of attention, and refuses to step back, stand down, or take on a minor, insignificant role.
Color Test - Results (Now)
Your Existing Situation
Needs excitement and constant stimulation. Willingly participates in activities that are thrilling and offer adventure.
Your Stress Sources
Has high standards and wants to make friends with those who have equally high standards; however, she has been unsuccessful in building these types of relationships. she is feeling under appreciated and her self-esteem is damaged because of it. she is uncomfortable with the situation and wishes to escape, but refuses to make compromises or lower her standards. Puts off resolving her problems because she afraid of the conflicts it may cause. In order to feel secure, she needs to feel appreciated by others so they will do what she asks of them and respect her opinions
Your Restrained Characteristics
Current events leave her feeling forced into compromise in order to avoid being cut off from affection or future cooperation.
"Emotionally withdrawn, feels forced to make compromises which makes emotional attachments difficult."
"Although she is able to find contentment through sexual activity, she feels hopeless to change her problems and difficulties and continues to make the best of what she has."
"Believes her hopes and dreams are realistic, but needs reassurance from others. Has strict standards when looking for a partner and wants guarantees that she will not be disappointed or lose."
Your Desired Objective"Is very intense person who seeks excitement and sexual stimulation. Wants others to see her as an exciting and interesting person, who is also charming and can easily influence others. Uses her charm to increase her chances of success and gain other people's trust."
Your Actual Problem
"Feeling tension and stress brought on by situations which are out of her control, leaves her feeling helpless, anxious, and in adequate. she escapes the situation by throwing herself into new activities and insisting she get her own way. Appears to be in control of himself, which she isn't, leading to outbursts of anger."
Your Actual Problem #2
Enjoys making new plans and goals, but needs to be respected and admired for the things she accomplishes.
Consider yourself schooled in the way that is me.
Signing off,
Xx~WesternWriter~xX
Needs excitement and constant stimulation. Willingly participates in activities that are thrilling and offer adventure.
Your Stress Sources
Has high standards and wants to make friends with those who have equally high standards; however, she has been unsuccessful in building these types of relationships. she is feeling under appreciated and her self-esteem is damaged because of it. she is uncomfortable with the situation and wishes to escape, but refuses to make compromises or lower her standards. Puts off resolving her problems because she afraid of the conflicts it may cause. In order to feel secure, she needs to feel appreciated by others so they will do what she asks of them and respect her opinions
Your Restrained Characteristics
Current events leave her feeling forced into compromise in order to avoid being cut off from affection or future cooperation.
"Emotionally withdrawn, feels forced to make compromises which makes emotional attachments difficult."
"Although she is able to find contentment through sexual activity, she feels hopeless to change her problems and difficulties and continues to make the best of what she has."
"Believes her hopes and dreams are realistic, but needs reassurance from others. Has strict standards when looking for a partner and wants guarantees that she will not be disappointed or lose."
Your Desired Objective"Is very intense person who seeks excitement and sexual stimulation. Wants others to see her as an exciting and interesting person, who is also charming and can easily influence others. Uses her charm to increase her chances of success and gain other people's trust."
Your Actual Problem
"Feeling tension and stress brought on by situations which are out of her control, leaves her feeling helpless, anxious, and in adequate. she escapes the situation by throwing herself into new activities and insisting she get her own way. Appears to be in control of himself, which she isn't, leading to outbursts of anger."
Your Actual Problem #2
Enjoys making new plans and goals, but needs to be respected and admired for the things she accomplishes.
Consider yourself schooled in the way that is me.
Signing off,
Xx~WesternWriter~xX
Monday, January 23, 2012
Music is my Life
I absolutely love music. Without it, I don't even want to know where I would be right now. Music has been there for me through thick and thin, even when my friends weren't. I love my little pink Ipod Nano, 6th generation. That little square has been with me everyday since Christmas, 2010. I have been through more pairs of headphones than I can count. I finally found a pair I can run with and a pair for just everyday use. When summer comes my armband is going to be used alot. I love that thing. Anyways, back to the music.
I listen to a mix of hard rock, heavy metal, Christian rock and rap, country, alternate rock, pop, hip-hop, rap, electronic and dubstep. I have a list of songs that two pages long, with two columns each that I want to download. Every birthday and Christmas I ask for Itunes or Amazon gift cards so I can download music. The list grows every time I log into Pandora or listen to the radio. I'm finding new groups that I like all the time.
Music affects my mood, and the type of music I listen to depends on my mood. If I'm upset in some way, usually angry or depressed, it's rap, some electronic, Christian rock and rap, dubstep, heavy metal and hard rock. If I'm in a good mood or okay it's country, alternate rock or electronic. A really good mood results in pop or hip hop. If you happen to see me walking around school and I have one headphone in, it's not a good day. Both headphones in and it's been a terrible day, and I just really need a hug. I'm kind of a softy like that. Bad days I don't talk to anyone. Although listening to those types of music when I'm in those moods seems to amplify the mood. Maybe that's why I do it that way. I'm not exactly sure. Although, about 80% of the music on my Ipod is heavy metal or rock. The rest is a mix.
Music makes me think. I constantly have a song in my head. Most of my thoughts are tied in with my music. I concentrate better when I can have my headphones in, too. I like to blast my music at full volume though, so people throw things at me to get my attention. Otherwise I don't know they're there. Music keeps me focused. Without it, I don't know what I'd do.
Well, consider yourself schooled in the way that is me.
Signing off,
I listen to a mix of hard rock, heavy metal, Christian rock and rap, country, alternate rock, pop, hip-hop, rap, electronic and dubstep. I have a list of songs that two pages long, with two columns each that I want to download. Every birthday and Christmas I ask for Itunes or Amazon gift cards so I can download music. The list grows every time I log into Pandora or listen to the radio. I'm finding new groups that I like all the time.
Music affects my mood, and the type of music I listen to depends on my mood. If I'm upset in some way, usually angry or depressed, it's rap, some electronic, Christian rock and rap, dubstep, heavy metal and hard rock. If I'm in a good mood or okay it's country, alternate rock or electronic. A really good mood results in pop or hip hop. If you happen to see me walking around school and I have one headphone in, it's not a good day. Both headphones in and it's been a terrible day, and I just really need a hug. I'm kind of a softy like that. Bad days I don't talk to anyone. Although listening to those types of music when I'm in those moods seems to amplify the mood. Maybe that's why I do it that way. I'm not exactly sure. Although, about 80% of the music on my Ipod is heavy metal or rock. The rest is a mix.
Music makes me think. I constantly have a song in my head. Most of my thoughts are tied in with my music. I concentrate better when I can have my headphones in, too. I like to blast my music at full volume though, so people throw things at me to get my attention. Otherwise I don't know they're there. Music keeps me focused. Without it, I don't know what I'd do.
Well, consider yourself schooled in the way that is me.
Signing off,
Xx~WesternWriter~xX
Sunday, January 22, 2012
Just Listen
I hate explaining things to people. I don't really like talking about my life, but I do open up to people I trust. Those people are the people that listen and don't judge me for what I say. They just listen. That's the title of one of my favorite books by Sara Dessen. It's about a prep girl and an emo boy who cross paths at school. They become friends, and listen to one another. They tell each other their worst secrets. I liked it because it made me feel like there was someone out there that would listen to me, too. They ended up falling in love in the end, so that was a bonus. I really wish everyone could just listen and not judge, or try to interpret things their own way. Sometimes that's good, but sometimes the wires get crossed and you end up with a shorted out circuit, and maybe an electrical fire. Most of the time my wires get crossed and the whole house burns down. I wish people would listen to me, and not impose their own meaning to things. That's why I won't open up most of the time, because I don't want someone to get the wrong idea. I just want to be heard. And not the way someone else hears me, the way I intend to be heard. I want people to understand me, and I mean really. Not just try, actually understanding. I want to be heard, not ignored. My voice matters to me, what about you? You may not care, but show a little respect. I have a voice, and I want to use it. Most of the time I'm afraid to, because I don't want to be misunderstood. It seems some people choose not to listen. I'm one of the people that chooses to listen, and attempt to understand. If I don't understand, I ask questions. It's okay to ask questions, I don't mind. At least you try.
Well, consider yourself schooled in the way that is me.
Signing off,
Signing off,
Xx~WesternWriter~xX
Monday, January 16, 2012
I Want a Guy....
What I really want is a guy that will love me truly, and me alone. What I want is a guy that doesn't lie to my face. I want a guy that will hold me when I'm not okay, and that will actually ask if I'm okay. I want a guy that will glare at another guy because he looked at me sideways. I want a guy that's protective and a little jealous at times, but will let me hang out with my guy friends, too. I want a guy that will tell me he loves me, and that I'm beautiful, not just pretty. I want a guy that will kiss my forehead and says "Good morning, beautiful." I want a guy that is a little like me, but not too much like me. I want a guy that loves animals and kids. I want someone that's sweet, funny, smart, caring and a great guy. Someone my parents will love. Because after my last relationship, I don't even know if I'm meant for love. I'm tired of falling for guys that don't want me for who I am. I wish they could just accept me for who I am. I'm a little screwed up, but I need a guy that understands that. I need a guy that can hold me up when I can't even stand. I need a guy that will stand up for me when I can't stand for myself. I want a guy that will fight for me and help me when I'm weak. I want a guy that will protect me, or at least try to protect me from all of life's harms. I need a guy that will be able to cheer me up when I'm at my worst. I need a guy that will listen and understand when I need to be open with him. I need a guy that won't judge me. I need a guy that can help me heal my broken heart...
I hope the perfect guy is out there somewhere, although now I'm not really sure. It's like I'm not meant for love. No one wants a broken girl. No one wants me. I'm not good enough. Or, I don't think I am anyways. I wish I could meet a guy that could look past my flaws and see me. Just me. Not my broken heart, not my dark mind, just me. I hope he exists somewhere.
Well, consider yourself schooled in the way that is me.
Signing off,
Xx~WesternWriter~xX
Saturday, January 14, 2012
Talk to Me
I hate it when people hide things from me, but at the same time I'm not willing to reveal everything. Well, sometimes I am, but usually not in person. I'm better at tapping it out on a keyboard or into my phone. Face to face conversations scare me in a way, because I don't like to see the other person's face, because then you get all the emotion. Sometimes that's a good thing, and I prefer it, but sometimes the emotion is bad, and I would rather not be within arms reach of said person. My friends are a little eccentric, but I love 'em. Anyways, I just find it easier to type out the bad stuff into a place where I know they won't check right away, because then they don't hit the full force of my emotion. Usually just the tail end. My emotions get pretty strong, and sometimes I'd rather not burden anyone else with it. I know, I know, everyone says "Talk to me, I can help." but when your emotions are going full force, I would rather curl up in a ball and deal with them myself. I feel like it makes me a little bit stronger. That's another point to me, I don't like to show weakness. I believe showing pain and crying in front of people is weakness, and I've always been taught that showing weakness is not okay.
"Ain't gonna show no weakness, I'm gonna smile and tell the whole world I'm fine. I'm gonna keep my senses but deep down. When no one can hear me, baby I'll be crying for you"~WestLife.
"Ain't gonna show no weakness, I'm gonna smile and tell the whole world I'm fine. I'm gonna keep my senses but deep down. When no one can hear me, baby I'll be crying for you"~WestLife.
I've never heard that song but it sounds like me. I smile and tell the world I'm fine, when inside I can barely keep myself together.
I paint a smile on my face everyday
And tell the world that I'm okay
But inside
I just can't hide
The pain
When my tears fall like rain
~Me
"I'm swimming in the smoke of bridges I have burned. So don't apologize, I'm losing what I don't deserve."~Linkin Park.
"Help me leave behind some reasons to be missed. Don't resent me, and when you're feeling empty keep me in your memory. Leave out all the rest.... Forgetting all the hurt inside you've learned to hide so well. Pretending someone else can come and save me from myself. I can't be who you are. When my time comes, forget the wrong that I've done."~Linkin Park.
Well, consider yourself schooled in the way that is me.
Signing off,
"Help me leave behind some reasons to be missed. Don't resent me, and when you're feeling empty keep me in your memory. Leave out all the rest.... Forgetting all the hurt inside you've learned to hide so well. Pretending someone else can come and save me from myself. I can't be who you are. When my time comes, forget the wrong that I've done."~Linkin Park.
Well, consider yourself schooled in the way that is me.
Signing off,
Xx~WesternWriter~xX
Friday, January 6, 2012
Well, Let's Start With..... Me!
I am a fun loving teen just trying to survive high school. I'm plain, with brown eyes and hair. I'm not too tall, standing almost 5'6 on a good day. I have a bad back, shoulders, hips and knees. On a good day I can make it through a gym class without bending over in pain. I'm damaged, both inside and out. I have scars lining my arms, my sides, my hips and on my left shoulder over my heart. I usually wear jeans and a t-shirt with a comfy sweatshirt and the sneakers of my choice.
Appearances can be deceiving, though. I wear cowboy boots and my favorite flannel shirt to go out and see my horses. My life resides with them. They're my heart, my soul, my life. They mean everything to me. Buddy, my dark chestnut quarter horse is stocky with a barrel chest and strong, sturdy legs. He stands about 14-15 hands high. He's mostly muscle, but you wouldn't know that by looking at him. He's a teddy bear at heart, although he can be a brat when he wants to. He's sweet as pie and fuzzy all year round. He's never bucked anyone off but me. He knows I won't get hurt. He has an aversion to being ridden but we're working on that. His owner before us was never out to see him, and she rode with a crop, which he hated. She also didn't know how to ride very well, at least not for him. He has a particular way he likes to be ridden. My brother's horse, A Dash of Rebel, fondly referred to as Dash, is a sweet, piebald tobiano paint. He's not ride-able, because he has back problems, but he wants to ride. He's a sweetheart, but he nudges alot. He is more like a big dog. He stands about 15-16 hands tall. His previous owners were jumping on his back, and trying to ride him when he had back problems. He was trained in barrel racing when he was only two, which we think is what screwed up his back. So in essence, we rescued both horses.
My other baby is a tubby black and white cat named Captain. My brother "adopted" him with a piece of cheese and some milk. We picked him up off the street when he started wandering around our house. He was scrawny and looked too young to be alone, so we took him in, gave him a bath and he's ours. Here's a pic I took and edited.
I'm a pretty outgoing person with a passion for writing. My life comes alive in my stories and my poetry, but my normal life is pretty boring. I am a romantic and a hater, depending on the day and who or what I'm talking about. There is no in between. I can be really nice or a total bitch. Just don't piss me off. I'm pretty easy going. I love animals and music. I'm usually in a good mood until something happens to change that. I live on a day to day basis. One day blending into the next, and then the next and soon those days become weeks, and weeks become months, and months become years. My friends keep me going. I smile through the pain and don't let anyone see. Those who know me well see it in my eyes. Most people have no idea. I am scarred from years of pain, both inside and out. Most people wonder why, I wonder why not. Why is such a simple question, a three letter word, but it's so complicated that no one can even begin to understand. I am working on understanding.
The wicked backspin caught you off guard. How will you play it off without losing your footing?
Appearances can be deceiving, though. I wear cowboy boots and my favorite flannel shirt to go out and see my horses. My life resides with them. They're my heart, my soul, my life. They mean everything to me. Buddy, my dark chestnut quarter horse is stocky with a barrel chest and strong, sturdy legs. He stands about 14-15 hands high. He's mostly muscle, but you wouldn't know that by looking at him. He's a teddy bear at heart, although he can be a brat when he wants to. He's sweet as pie and fuzzy all year round. He's never bucked anyone off but me. He knows I won't get hurt. He has an aversion to being ridden but we're working on that. His owner before us was never out to see him, and she rode with a crop, which he hated. She also didn't know how to ride very well, at least not for him. He has a particular way he likes to be ridden. My brother's horse, A Dash of Rebel, fondly referred to as Dash, is a sweet, piebald tobiano paint. He's not ride-able, because he has back problems, but he wants to ride. He's a sweetheart, but he nudges alot. He is more like a big dog. He stands about 15-16 hands tall. His previous owners were jumping on his back, and trying to ride him when he had back problems. He was trained in barrel racing when he was only two, which we think is what screwed up his back. So in essence, we rescued both horses.
My other baby is a tubby black and white cat named Captain. My brother "adopted" him with a piece of cheese and some milk. We picked him up off the street when he started wandering around our house. He was scrawny and looked too young to be alone, so we took him in, gave him a bath and he's ours. Here's a pic I took and edited.
I love his little Hitler mustache.
My brother's dog is a crazy black lab named Dex that doesn't stop chasing a ball for anything. He's like a live wire, always ready to go. Full of energy.
Well, as you can see my life mainly revolves around animals. But there's more to me than just my animals.
I love music. Music is what holds me together and tears me apart. Music is how I survive everyday. Music means alot to me. You can always tell my mood by the genre, artist, and/or song I'm listening to. I love hard rock, heavy metal, country, pop, electronic/electronica, punk rock/alternative rock, and some screamo. I'm very diverse in my music selection. I don't like remakes of most songs though. Parodies are ok. I mostly stick to artists I know unless I find one I really like. I like darker music most of the time because I'm partially emo.
Now, labels annoy me because I don't fit into just one. I'm emo, country, gamer, nerd, and artist. I don't fit in with the populars, or the druggies, or the wanna-be-country people. I'm not a wanna-be, I am. I fit where I fit and no one can tell me otherwise.
I love writing. Mostly poetry, but some stories and novels. Hoping to get published someday, but alot of my stuff is really dark, and depressing.
I'm not really depressed, not like I used to be. I went through a hard time in my life, and the scars are a result of it. Everyone asks me why, and I can't answer. There is no why, only why not.
I'm kind of athletic but not exactly in shape. I consider myself fat, and I'm not exactly pretty. I'm working out more lately so I have lost a few pounds since the beginning of the year, but not much I don't think. I'll post a pic.
It's not the best but I'll put up a better one later. Plus pics of my horses.
If today was your last day, what would you do?
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
Why is there something rather than nothing?
WHY?
Well, consider yourself schooled in the way that is me.
Signing off,
Xx~WesternWriter~xX
Sunday, January 1, 2012
Welcome to Complicated
"I am unwritten, can't read my mind. I'm undefined. I'm just beginning. The pen's in my hand, ending unplanned.
Staring at the blank page before you, open up the dirty window. Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find. Reaching for something in the distance, so close you can almost taste it. Release your inhibitions.
Feel the rain on your skin. No one else can feel it for you, only you can let it in. No one else. No one else can speak the words on your lips. Drench yourself in words unspoken. Live your life with arms wide open.
Today is where your book begins, the rest is still unwritten."~Natasha Bedingfield.
Staring at the blank page before you, open up the dirty window. Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find. Reaching for something in the distance, so close you can almost taste it. Release your inhibitions.
Feel the rain on your skin. No one else can feel it for you, only you can let it in. No one else. No one else can speak the words on your lips. Drench yourself in words unspoken. Live your life with arms wide open.
Today is where your book begins, the rest is still unwritten."~Natasha Bedingfield.
So right. Tomorrow's not a garuntee. You write your own story, control your own life. It's interesting how many people don't believe this. I am unwritten, unspoken, undefined. That's the first part to this manual, is that tomorrow is not a garuntee. I live life day to day, things change. My life is changing all the time. It keeps it interesting, and it will also keep this blog interesting! At least I hope so. I'm sitting here, flipping through my Ipod and listening to what sounds good. Unwritten came up and I started dancing in my chair. I'm a little quirky, which you will learn. I'm random, spontaneous, and hopefully interesting. Now I have a German song on, Vampir. I love this song. I don't understand it anymore but it's catchy! I'll find the lyrics at some point or another, LOL! This is the first time I've randomly gone through my Ipod. But music is my life. It can affect my mood if I let it, and most times it reflects my mood.
OHH Random song that I love! Vanilla Twilight, by Owl City! Electronic beat that's soft and sweet! Yes I just did that. That reminds me of one of my ex boyfriends. Sweet guy, too bad it didn't work out. He was an awesome guy. Anyways, this is supposed to be an instruction manual, but I'm off topic. I don't mind talking about exes, but it depends which ones. Some of them are better left alone. Unless you're one of my best friends, then you already know all about them. Boys annoy me sometimes, and most of my friends are guys. Some have a crush on me, and if they do they should just come right out and say it! I hate it when they beat around the bush. They flirt, and of course I notice. So just talk to me!!!
Consider yourself schooled in the way that is me.
Signing off,
Xx~WesternWriter~xX
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